every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
