My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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