If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
