so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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