My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
