Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
