Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
