so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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