hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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