Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
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My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
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Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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