I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
