I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
