Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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