Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
