Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
