Fine. I'll sleep in my office
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
