between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
