last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Semen is not good for contacts.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
