More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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