and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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