Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
All I want is dick and wine.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
