I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
