mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
