Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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