please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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