I want to have your abortion
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
