marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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