i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
