My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
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I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
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Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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