Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
