You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
