Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
