with your own penis?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
