Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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