i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
