i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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