Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
you made out with another girl for some wings
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
