I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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