turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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