Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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