awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
