Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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