its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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