so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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