We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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