you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
