My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
