just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
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I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
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