My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize
