I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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