Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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