I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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