Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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