I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
