All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My Sexting was not on an AP level
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