Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
