so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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