mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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