Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
