mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
