i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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