Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
